Just for a laugh

adrian

adrian

Flying Squad
PhilH said:
This is from an Email sent by a commercial diver in the USA, who performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs, to his sister. She sent it to a radio station who were sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea, I wear a suit to the office, it's a wet suit. At this time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, and heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water, it's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it, this only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn, I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realised what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Remember also that it was a BAD DAY for the jellyfish !
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Sorry to rain on the parade but I seriously doubt the tale is true. You're not telling me that a $20,000 pump doesn't have a good filtration system on the inlet.

I think Snopes sums it up well. Jellyfish in Wetsuit
Should you believe this particular tale about a diver with a jellyfish up his arse? Probably not, but on the other hand there's no harm in enjoying it.
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PhilH

PhilH

Western Thunderer
adrian said:
Sorry to rain on the parade but I seriously doubt the tale is true. You're not telling me that a $20,000 pump doesn't have a good filtration system on the inlet.

I think Snopes sums it up well. Jellyfish in Wetsuit
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Oh Dear ! :(, the original did include names and the name of the radio station running the contest (which does exist) - all of which I omitted.
Maybe if its bollocks I should delete it ????
But does a joke have to be fact ???? - such are the mysteries of life :confused::rolleyes:
 
simond

simond

Western Thunderer
PhilH said:
Oh Dear ! :(, the original did include names and the name of the radio station running the contest (which does exist) - all of which I omitted.
Maybe if its bollocks I should delete it ????
But does a joke have to be fact ???? - such are the mysteries of life :confused::rolleyes:
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No, don’t delete, at least in some places, humour is more important than truth…

I can just see the deckhand saying, “goddam filter’s blocked again, he’ll moan like hell after the dive if he’s not kept warm…”
 
PhilH

PhilH

Western Thunderer
simond said:
No, don’t delete, at least in some places, humour is more important than truth…

I can just see the deckhand saying, “goddam filter’s blocked again, he’ll moan like hell after the dive if he’s not kept warm…”
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The other possibility (if we assume its true of course !), as there were apparently 5 other divers hanging round at the surface when he contacted the supervisor, if they knew that's what he did with the hose maybe one of them found a suitable small jellyfish, removed any filtration and just popped it down the hose !
 
simond

simond

Western Thunderer
PhilH said:
The other possibility (if we assume its true of course !), as there were apparently 5 other divers hanging round at the surface when he contacted the supervisor, if they knew that's what he did with the hose maybe one of them found a suitable small jellyfish, removed any filtration and just popped it down the hose !
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yeah, but... "popping" a jellyfish anywhere is likely to be fraught with consequences, like tentacles all over your gloves, which will lead to stings on your face, sooner or later. And, whilst I can imagine the deckhand doing it negligently, I think someone doing it deliberately would want to be very careful - there are some particularly nasty little things around, and not just in Australia where everything want to kill you. :)

Box jellyfish (class Cubozoa) are cnidarian invertebrates distinguished by their box-like (i.e. cube-shaped) body.[2] Some species of box jellyfish produce potent venom delivered by contact with their tentacles. Stings from some species, including Chironex fleckeri, Carukia barnesi, Malo kingi, and a few others, are extremely painful and often fatal to humans.[3]
 
Heather Kay

Heather Kay

Western Thunderer
Lifted from a shared post on a Mastodon instance:

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.


He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”


“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”


"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.


He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”


The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.


Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."


The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.


The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.


"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"


The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.


"What seems to be the problem, sir?"


"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"


The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.


"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

Edit to add proper attribution: David Penfold
 
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Tom Insole

Tom Insole

Western Thunderer
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.
They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.
You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.
Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''
 
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