Just for a laugh
- Thread starter PhilH
- Start date
Tom Insole
Western Thunderer
I bought a pair of trainers of a drug dealer the other day...
Not sure what he laced them with but every time I go out wearing them I keep tripping!
Not sure what he laced them with but every time I go out wearing them I keep tripping!
PhilH
Western Thunderer
If you want some amusement for 15 minutes or so, try this :
Short Trip
Use right and left arrows on keyboard to move the tram and get it to stop at the intermediate stations. It builds up a certain amount of momentum but by playing with the arrows you should be able to stop it in the right place at each station.
Short Trip
Use right and left arrows on keyboard to move the tram and get it to stop at the intermediate stations. It builds up a certain amount of momentum but by playing with the arrows you should be able to stop it in the right place at each station.
Ah that's lovely. Cats and trams; excellent
Osgood
Western Thunderer
@Pencarrow posted on @Rippers Millicent Street thread:
No indeed:
“Never underestimate the power of cake.”
No indeed:
Richard Gawler
Western Thunderer
At an agricultural show a few weeks ago.
Richard Gawler
Western Thunderer
I guess it keeps display stock separate from sales stock.
Eastsidepilot
Western Thunderer
Eastsidepilot
Western Thunderer
The local flasher has thought about retiring.............but has decided to stick it out for another year !
Eastsidepilot
Western Thunderer
Geezer walks into a pub, goes to the bar and the publican asks him" what would you like sir" I'll have a pint of bitter and lager for my little mate, the publican leans over the bar and looks down, " sorry" he said " didn't notice him "that's alright" says the geezer " he's only 12" tall and he's a pianist.
The geezer then sees the piano in the corner and asks " Do you mind if my mate plays a few tunes" "go ahead" says the publican "it'll liven the place up "
So the little 12" tall man starts playing the piano and he knows it all classical, rock & roll, reggae you name it he plays it. Well the publican is so impressed with how well the evening went that he offers him a regular spot every weekend as it brings the punters in.
After a couple of weeks the Publican gets curious as to where the geezer found him and asks " This may sound as if I'm being nosey but where did you find this amazing 12" high pianist ?" , "well" said the geezer " to cut a long story short I was bloody bored one Saturday and decided to go for a walk along the beach, took my socks and shoes off and started paddling along the waters edge when I stubbed my big toe on something nearly tripping over, when I turned around there was this brass handle sticking out of the sand, I pulled at it and out came an old oil lamp and as I brushed it clean BOOF ! a genie pops out and said ' I'm the genie of the lamp and as you've set me free I grant you one wish' " , The publican said " ..and what did you ask for ", "Well said the geezer I think he must of been a trifle deaf as I asked for a 12" penis !"
The geezer then sees the piano in the corner and asks " Do you mind if my mate plays a few tunes" "go ahead" says the publican "it'll liven the place up "
So the little 12" tall man starts playing the piano and he knows it all classical, rock & roll, reggae you name it he plays it. Well the publican is so impressed with how well the evening went that he offers him a regular spot every weekend as it brings the punters in.
After a couple of weeks the Publican gets curious as to where the geezer found him and asks " This may sound as if I'm being nosey but where did you find this amazing 12" high pianist ?" , "well" said the geezer " to cut a long story short I was bloody bored one Saturday and decided to go for a walk along the beach, took my socks and shoes off and started paddling along the waters edge when I stubbed my big toe on something nearly tripping over, when I turned around there was this brass handle sticking out of the sand, I pulled at it and out came an old oil lamp and as I brushed it clean BOOF ! a genie pops out and said ' I'm the genie of the lamp and as you've set me free I grant you one wish' " , The publican said " ..and what did you ask for ", "Well said the geezer I think he must of been a trifle deaf as I asked for a 12" penis !"
PhilH
Western Thunderer
This is from an Email sent by a commercial diver in the USA, who performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs, to his sister. She sent it to a radio station who were sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea, I wear a suit to the office, it's a wet suit. At this time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, and heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water, it's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it, this only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn, I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realised what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Remember also that it was a BAD DAY for the jellyfish !
Last week I had a bad day at the office. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea, I wear a suit to the office, it's a wet suit. At this time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, and heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water, it's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it, this only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn, I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realised what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass. Remember also that it was a BAD DAY for the jellyfish !